My Quarterlife Crisis

This is just a test

2006-10-17T23:51:00.000-04:00

I’ve Moved

2006-08-25T17:21:00.000-04:00

I haven’t posted here in a while because I’ve moved to the new blog I started, My Thinking Corner. I started this blog to help motivate me to write more and for the most parts it’s been a success. However, it hasn’t been perfect. The format here is a little restrictive in that posting anything a little longer than a couple of typed pages would monopolize the frontpage space. I wanted the freedom to keep the current events stuff on one page and longer fiction writing on a different page. That’s why I like the format better on Wordpress. So I wont be posting anything else here. Hopefully, I’ll be able to pull all this stuff into wordpress but until then I’ll leave this site up.

Conspiracy Theories Part 2

2006-08-14T10:51:00.000-04:00

I wanted to write something about the idiocy coming out of the far left after the foiled London terror plot. However, others have written on this much more eloquently than I, so I will simply link to their posts here and here. I will add this. Why on Earth would the British give two shits about the democratic primary in Ct?

Conspiracy Theories

2006-08-08T14:04:00.000-04:00

Just in case my sister has discovered this fount of wisdom and intellect (I’m talking about my Blog).

Patty, this is my answer to the “9/11 was a conspiracy” video you sent me last year. Check out the rest of the site, very entertaining stuff.

Tip of the hat to Donklephant for posting this link earlier today.

How am I going to procrastinate now?

2006-08-08T13:37:00.000-04:00

Last week my favorite Blog, The Mighty Middle, closed up shop for good. The writer, Michael Reynolds, also writes books for children and young adults with his wife K.A. Applegate. To summarize, it came to his attention that young fans of his books were finding there way to the Mighty Middle which featured adult discussion of current events and politics (read: lots of profanity and arguing). This was not good and thus he pulled the plug. The top post in the link above is his description of events.

Naturally, the comments pilled in. The Mighty Middle will be missed and people wanted to let him know. Many read and commented on his site daily, many more would drop in from time to time. His writing was consistently good, the discussion was animated and, with few exceptions, the comments were well thought out. In a small way, I feel like I’ve lost a good friend.

Since no one asked (or cares) I’m going to post my own conspiracy theory on why the Blog is being shut down. I don’t think it was the language, because while profanity was used I don’t recall any instance of something truly vile being written. I think it was the Jehovah Blog.

This Picture always cracks me up

This piece of brilliance is exactly the kind of thing that would drive some fundy parents bat-shit crazy. I’m not saying all Christian parents would lack the sense of humor to appreciate the Jehovah Blog, but enough would that they could make a big stink. So that’s my theory, MR got enough outraged emails from Fundies that he felt he needed to shut the site down. Why do I like this theory, because I like blaming things on Fundamentalist Christians. Why should you care? You shouldn’t because I’m full of crap. All I know for sure is that the Bible 2 isn’t going to write itself God damnit!

So now what? Where will I go to kill those fleeting minutes at work when I’m trying not to start a new project? There are a couple of places I’ve been looking. The first is Donklephant, a moderate political site run by Justin Gardner with several other good writers. Not as many comments though, which is a shame but I think some of the commenters from MM might migrate over. At least I’m hoping so.

A couple of others attracted my interest recently. The first is Unwilling to Self-Negotiate, written by Ali Eteraz (don’t know if that’s his real name). He is an articulate, intelligent and humorous Muslim. The exact opposite of how Muslims are portrayed on the news and in popular US culture.

The second is Indiscretions, written by Natalia Antonova. Natalia has lived a traumatic but very interesting life. She writes very much from a feminist point of view without coming off as preachy. Reading about her childhood has made me terrified for my own 3 year old daughter, but it’s also forced me to think about the issues she will face growing up. I guess I’m seeing this blog at a time when I am most receptive to its message. More on that some other time.

So there it is, I lose one blog but gain three more. My manager can rest assured that he won’t see a dramatic spike in my productivity.

Oh Horrors! A Booby!

2006-07-28T09:15:00.000-04:00

This image, from the cover of the free magazine "Babytalk" is apparently the source of some controversy. In a recent poll, 25% of those asked found the image to be inappropriate. I would like to add my own voice to those who find this inappropriate. It is completely unacceptable that a baby's head should ruin what would have been a wonderful shot of someone's breast. Furthermore it is unacceptable that breasts should be seen anywhere outside of pornography, R-rated movies and old National Geographic Magazines. God forbid some teenage boy see this benign and healthy image of female anatomy when so many more appropriate images can be found on countless websites.

OK, end sarcasm. I guess it's a sign of progress that only 25% of people thought this was inappropriate but it still boggles my mind. Having seen my wife breastfeed countless times, including in public, I feel qualified to offer my opinion here. Breastfeeding, while natural and beautiful, really isn't that sexy. The teenager who might get aroused looking at this picture is probably already jerking-off to the lingerie section of the Sears Catalogue. So the concerned parents who threw out the cover of this magazine or shredded it to shield their teenagers sensitive eyes, they're fighting a losing battle.

Updated: Someone Whose writing I Enjoy

2006-07-21T14:46:00.000-04:00

Michael Reynolds at the Mighty Middle muses on the things which drive him to the point of Homicide.

Having Read his list which I agree with whole heartedly, I'd like to submit the following:

People out there who identify themselves as "Christians" and will make a decision about someone, voting or otherwise, solely based on whether that person identifies themselves as a "Christian". This complete abdication of thinking and rational decision making makes me want to scream and hit something.

Update: I feel I should add something here as my wife is the only one who reads this Blog and she might be under the impression that this is directed towards one person in particular (not her). This isn't the case and I should clarify.

My frustration is directed towards the circle the wagons mentality that, in truth, one can find on either extreme of the political spectrum. It just so happens that the religious right is in a position of power right now, so their examples are more glaring. The inability of people to question their assumptions and the fact that these people are driving our political dialogue is very frustrating. That this one person has in some small way come to represent that mindset to me is entirely unfair on my part and doesn't in any way change the fact that I consider this person a very good friend.

Really stupid sports commentators and writers. I know I shouldn't be turning to the sports pages for intelligent discussions but the vast majority of these guys are shockingly stupid.

Update: The guys at Fire Joe Morgan are celebrating the recent firing of Harold Reynolds. Take a look as they stroll down memory lane and recap some of HR's most memorable bonehead moments.

So Much for My Flurry of Posts

2006-07-13T15:16:00.000-04:00

Just when I though my life was getting easier, it starts getting hard again. The wife and kids are away leaving me free from parental duty but what steps in to take it's place? My job of course. That annoying thing which didn't give me a raise this year is now asking me to put in a 60+ hour week to complete a few projects. Shockingly, I'm not enthused. Is it just me or has pay been replaced be vague and empty promises of "furthering my career" and "opportunities for exposure". This bullshit got old before I went to grad school. Now it just plain smells.

That voice in the back of my head, telling my to disengage, is starting to get loud. Disengage, from work, from New York state, find greener pastures. I've always felt that I'll know the right desicion because it will be the hard choice. It's going to be hard as hell to find a new job and move the family. But it's time.

So where is all my other personal bullshit, the stuff I was itching to post? It's still there, lurking in my head like a stalking butler. I'll get to it this weekend.

A Long Absence

2006-07-11T13:45:00.000-04:00

I’ve been much too busy to Blog lately but I’ve had a lot to write about so I’ll be posting like fury over the next few days.

What have I been up to? I took a vacation with my wife in Cancun, I’ve been taking part in a major renovation project on my house and then the usual working/being father of 3 fun and excitement.

What will I be writing about? All of the above, plus my thoughts on politics (Grrr!), The World Cup (Hurrah!) and whatever else crosses my mind. So to anyone out there who actually reads this Blog, please prepare yourself for a barrage of personal reflections, observations and general self absorption. Enjoy or don’t, I wont be losing sleep either way.

A Writing Exercise

2006-05-02T16:18:00.000-04:00

Got this from the writing exercise link on the right side of this page: Pick a first memory and create a character around it or something like that. It included a link to a collection of first memories (interesting reading BTW). I took one and this is the incomplete work I've come up with.

I was digging a hole in the dirt mound behind my house. I thought that if I dug far enough I could make a home like the rabbits that lived in the woods at the end of the street. I had done something wrong. I must have because Mom and Dad were yelling, at each other, at me. What did I do wrong? I've tried so hard to be good. I'll live with the rabbits and Mom and Dad will smile again. I was 2 years old.

I was playing on the swings at the park. I had finally mastered the trick of swinging my legs back and forth so that I could go higher. I was wonderful. I kept kicking and at the top of the swing I felt like I was flying over the whole playground. Then the swing would come down and my stomach would lurch a little but in a good way. It was freedom, better than anything I ever felt at home, where everything was silent and angry. Kicking my legs forward, again I swung up over the playground but my hands slipped. I was falling off, towards the hard packed dirt below. They'll be so angry with me. I was 4 years old.

I was sitting on my porch. It was the summertime and I was playing with matches. I lit them one at a time and tossed them onto the dry grass. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. Mom was at work, she was always working since Dad left. I hadn't seen him since, maybe two years. At the time, I could still remember what his face looked like. The grass caught fire a couple of times and I kicked it out. I picked up the spent matches, not wanting to leave evidence, and walked to a park several neighborhoods over. By the time I returned the smoldering grass had reignited and consumed my house. My mom held me crying. I kept my hands in my pocket. I was 8 years old.

Not sure what to do with this but it was an interesting exercise writing it.

Things My Wife Actually Said

2006-04-25T15:26:00.000-04:00

On the subject of polygamy (paraphrased from a recent conversation):

"I’d be ok with you having another wife. So long as she does all the cleaning, takes care of the kids, doesn’t eat much or require expensive cloths, is willing to live in a tent in the backyard and isn’t interested in sex."

Surprisingly, no mention was made of looks so I guess my second wife can still be good looking as long as she fulfills the requirements above.

Applications are being taken in the comments section.

Daily Writing Exercise

2006-04-25T10:29:00.000-04:00

I’ve been doing too much reading and too little writing for the past month or so. In an effort to correct this I went online looking for some writing exercises. I found the website of Michelle Richmond, the author of several books and a teacher of creative writing at California College of the Arts. She has a daily writing exercise as part of her website, which I plan on taking advantage of. I’ve added the link to her site on the right and maybe I’ll post some of the things I end up writing here.

Michelle, on extremely slim chance you somehow find this BLOG and object to me taking advantage of your daily writing exercises, please let me know and I will remove all references..

The Joy of Wine

2006-03-25T00:33:00.000-05:00

I recently talked my wife into starting a wine blog, which I've linked to.

Danielle developed a love of wine when she spent a year in Belgium during high school as an exchange student. One of her host families had a real wine cellar and her host dad introduced her to a real appreciation for wine which she has cultivated since.

I came into this story much later when we met at the beginning of my junior year of college. Even before we started dated she began introducing me to wine. At the time, I still though Rolling Rock was good beer so she had her work cut out for her. She started by introducing me to sweeter white wines, like Rieslings. Gradually, she got me into Chardonnes and other whites.

It was when we made the jump to reds that she had me hooked. Merlots, Zinfandels, Syrah, I love them all. Now, a decade after first meeting Danielle, I count Port amongst my favorite drinks. I have a favorite wine, Chateauneuf-du-Pape, a mixture of Grenache, Cinsault, Mourvedre, Muscardine, Syrah, Terret Noir and Vaccarese grades growth in the southern Rhone region of France. Opening a new bottle of wine is exciting for me, something I never would have guessed 10 years age.

Sadly, I don't have the palette to describe in flowery terms what I like about each variety. To be honest, the variety seems to have very little to do with whether or not I like the wine. For this reason, I probably wont post much on her site. I guess I'm not classy enough.

The Wonders of the Internet

2006-03-24T13:51:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting much lately. Part of this is because I'm lazy, but there's also another reason. Lately, I've found myself spending a lot of time on a few blogs of interest to me. The first is "The Mighty Middle", the second is "Donklephant". They're both have a fairly large readership and opinions on anything to do with politics in the US.

This is important to me because I've been starved for a good political debate. My wife and I see eye to eye on virtually every issue when it comes to politics and religion. In fact we see eye to eye on almost anything in general (yes, we're boring). Also, my wife doesn't keep up with political news. Three kids under three will do that to a woman. So these sites serve a very important purpose: Reviewing someone else's opinion, and deciding it's wrong (or not).

The writers for both these sites are very reasonable and their posts are well thought out. So I usually don't have much to object to. Like the writers, I am a moderate politically. I support a conservative fiscal policy and a liberal social policy. In other words the government should spend less money and butt the hell out of my life. If I have an issue with something these writers put forward, it's usually a matter of degrees rather than outright disagreement. It's the comments that are really interesting.

For some reason Blog comments don't seem bound by the usual standards of accuracy, relevancy and courtesy that would bind normal conversation. Reading the comments is like listening to a discussion at a party were everyone is drunk and opinionated. People will go on tangents to defend their views, get angry over "attacks" that didn't actually happen and generally make online spectacles of themselves. It makes for good theatre and it's occasionally informative.

So that is why I haven't been writing, that and the fact that I'm trying to actually work at work now that I'm sleeping at night again.

Random note: My wife tonight confessed that she'd rather be the American Idol than the American President. I'm not sure what to make of that statement but I wanted to record it for future reference.

Random note 2: I think BC's loss tonight against Villanova ended any hopes of my wining the office bracket pool. Why do I always set myself up to be disappointed by BC teams? Sure, they used to hook my youth hockey organization up with free tickets to BC hockey games. Does that justify the pain and suffering their football and basketball teams have inflicted upon me as a fan? The irony here is that I went to BU in part because BC rejected a good friend of mine, and I still root for them. There must be a 12 step program for this.

Cleaning out the Drawers in my Head

2006-02-23T15:37:00.000-05:00

For me, one of the cooler concepts in the Harry Potter books is the Pensieve, an object into which I can dump my thoughts in order to review them objectively. What a brilliant idea. I always feel like I’ve got a ton of ideas sprouting in my head but so many of them seem to wither on the vine before I get to examine them further. Sadly, Pensieves are just a creation of JK Rowlings imagination, so I have to settle for using this Blog. That said here’s the crap rolling around my head.

Iraq

When we first started gearing up for this war I said, “This is a mistake. We’ll get in and not have any way of getting out and our children will pay the price.” When they decided against using the Powell doctrine of overwhelming force I again told anyone who would listen to me that it was a mistake. No war has ever been won “on the cheap”, either a nation is willing to commit blood and treasure or it isn’t. So what do I get for being right? Not a God damn thing.

We’re still in Iraq. We still have too few soldiers on the ground and now we have no means of increasing the ranks short of a draft. We can’t leave without stabilizing the situation and we can’t stabilize the situation without more men, or a miracle. How could they let it come to this? Did they really think that shock and awe would be enough to make our enemies forget that they’ve got us out numbered on the ground in hostile (to us) territory? Are our leaders that stupid? Apparently yes.

The President

What really terrifies me is that despite all of the above, all the rigged bids for Halliburton and others, the soaring price of fuel, the disregard for our constitution, I have friends who still thank God “we have a Christian in the White House”. Whenever I think about this too much I want to punch someone. Here’s my own little prayer to God, “Please God give me a moderate to vote for in the next presidential election or even just someone with half a brain. I’m not asking for much, John McCain or Colin Powell will do. Are you sure we can’t bring back Clinton?”

I’m not even going to waste prayers on the Democrats getting clue. The party is in the hands of whiny ineffectual liberals who are too convinced that they’re smarter than the electorate. This attitude, more than anything else is why we've had GW for the past 6 years. Get a clue guys, the country isn't going to suddenly "see the light" and decide you hold the keys to the country's future.

The Olympics

At last something positive to think about. I’ve enjoyed the Olympics as far back as I can remember. As with every winter Olympics since I first started reading the newspaper, sports columnists are going to great lengths to describe how irrelevant they are and how the American public doesn’t give a damn. Occasionally, they’ll take a break from that rant to lament how so and so choked and let everyone down.

Honestly, fuck them.

I’ve enjoyed watching these games, even curling. This stuff is on TV once every four years, the novelty alone is enough to interest me. The athletes are clearly among the best in the world and the outcomes are determined by tenths or even hundredths of a second. Some of the newer events seem a little to geared towards the X-games crowd but they were interesting.

It’s a little annoying hearing about how certain athlete’s or teams “choked”. I’ll accept that Bode Miller should get his ration of shit because he sought out the publicity and hasn't come close to delivering. Some of the other “chokers” don’t make sense to me. US men’s hockey had no chance of medaling, never did. The women played well and lost, it happens. The women curlers, looked really cute so I’m prepared to forgive them anything.

The problem, I think, is when people try and take these games too seriously. It’s a once every fours years traveling circus, enjoy the spectacle. I have.

Here's a Thought

2006-02-23T13:46:00.000-05:00

Write something you horse’s ass!! I don’t know what my excuse has been these last few months. Every time things get a little challenging on the home front I throw down the pen (keyboard) and stop writing. It ain’t right! No amount of teething, crying, kid’s colds, etc. should excuse me using time that should be spent writing, to slack off and tool around on the internet.

I work in an office where there is no “water cooler culture”. People on my floor don’t seem to spend a whole lot of time chatting for whatever reason. The fact that I work from home a lot doesn’t help either. Even when there’s chatting I don’t often take part. However, it’s impossible to be 100% dedicated to my job while I’m at work. I wouldn’t want to meet the person with that kind of focus. One of my goals in writing has been to make productive use of that “water cooler time”. In fact I hope that the writing I do now will help propel me to my eventual goal of getting something published.

Distractions are a big problem in my life though. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t the distractions, it’s me. There will always be a good excuse not to do what I want, in this case to write. The key to success then, is to ignore the excuses and do what I really want to do. Not exactly profound, but sometimes I need to remind myself of this. Another thing I need a reminder of is the danger of being normal. I’ll paraphrase what a teacher of mine once told his chemistry class.

“Normal people fail, normal cheat on tests, cheat on their spouses, lie to there friends. Normal people take the easy way out, don’t think things through and try to avoid the consequences of their actions. These things happen every day. The question is, knowing what it means to be normal, who wants to be normal?”

My answer has always been a resounding “not me”. So this is another of my periodic reminders to me, that it’s not enough to say it, I have to live it.

A Cry for (Beer) Liberation

2006-02-08T18:42:00.000-05:00

I had grand ideas of writing about the brouhaha going on in the Middle East, how the reaction to the cartoons about Mohammed is absurd. In looking through some of my favorite blogs, however, I've found that the subjects been done to death. So instead I'll post something I wrote about a thousand years ago when my brother and I shared an apartment. If anyone actually reads this please feel free to comment, praise, insult. Cheers.

A Cry for (Beer) Liberation

As I look into the refrigerator, I am overcome with a feeling of dread. Icy terror grips my stomach and my knees turn to jelly as I confront the hard reality before me. There is no beer left in the fridge! "How could this be?" I think to myself. How could I have been so foolish? How could I have been so wrong? I thought there would be enough, but no. Here we are at the dawn of the twenty-first century, in the richest nation in the world and yet my fridge is empty of beer.

I turn to the couch and there sits Dave with the last beer sitting on the table next to him. Opened yet barely touched, the dark tan bottle glistens with condensation. It calls to me. Its siren song tugs at my soul. I feel a need growing within me. It's starting in my stomach, it spreads to my parched throat. My hands long to hold the cool, wet bottle. Oh how I long for that cool liquid refreshment. I have to have it but how can I steal this treasure away from my greedy brother? He's so evil, so cruel hearted. He knows how much I want that beer but there he is hoarding it, the fiend.

I can take it no longer. So I walk over to the table and make a quick grab for the beer but Dave is quicker. He snatches the beer away from my outstretched hand and pulls it close to him. "Go get your own you dirty bastard." He tells me and then sips the beer. "Damn you!" I shout at him. "There's none left, that's the last beer!" "So, get over it." He replies calmly, taking another sip.

"I can't get over it!" I reply. "There's no way to get over it when it's Sunday and I can't buy any more! I can't get over it when a dirt bag like you is drinking the last beer and I'm left with nothing! Am I supposed to step aside and let you trample over my God given right to drink a beer and relax on a Sunday! Am I supposed to just stand here and watch you drink while I suffer from unbearable thirst! What kind of fool do you take me for! What kind of pushover would I be to let you get away with this act of theft and tyranny! Now I call upon whatever good is left in you, if there be any at all, to hand over that beer. To do the right thing before I'm forced to give you an ass kicking you will not soon forget."

"Damn it Kev, I bought the beer."

"Oh yah, sorry bought that."

Being a Dad

2006-01-31T11:49:00.000-05:00

I wrote this in October and forgot to post it. Looking at it today, I decided I still like it and want to post it.

There’s something about baby smiles that makes dealing with infants about a thousand times easier than before they start smiling. It’s as if over night they go from being an eating pooping machine to a real person. Yesterday, I had no connection to my twin sons. Today they smiled and I love them every bit as much as I do my 2½ year old daughter. Weird response to the likely result of infant gas, yes, but it’s my response all the same.

Watched “Field of Dreams” recently and, naturally, cried towards the end. It touches on a truly sad dynamic in the relationship between father and son. By the time I got to know my father, he was already middle aged and past his prime. The same will be true for my own sons. They will never get to know me as a young man, in my prime. My earliest memories are as a 4 – 5 year old. By the time my sons turn 4, I’ll be 34. By the time they’re teenagers, coming into their own, I’ll be forty-two. I don’t resent growing old (much). It’s something we all have to do. It’s the passage of years that will separate me from my children. By the time they truly understand me, will it be too late? Too late for what though?

There’s a positive message for me and that it’s not too late, because I understand my own father now. I understand what he gave up for my brothers, sister and I. It takes a lot of love to run out of the house at 10 o’clock to pick up milk when more than anything you want sit in your chair drink a beer and watch the game on TV. It takes a lot of love to drag your tired, I work 50 – 60 hours a week, ass out of bed and drive you son to a 6am hockey practice. I hope he knows how much I love him back and how I know I’ll never repay him and can only hope to pass along that love to my own children. Maybe I should tell him.

My Writing Course Got Canceled

2006-01-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

For Christmas My wife signed me up for a creative writing course at the local community college. It was a great gift idea and I was looking forward to the first class scheduled for Fed 1st. I called today for the room assignment only to find out that the class was canceled. WTF!

I’ve been trying, with some success, to get back into creative writing for several months. It’s something that’s been percolating in the back of my mind for years, that I’ve got some stories to tell and, maybe, the ability to tell them. This course was going to be a milestone in those efforts. It would be the first time I’ve worked with a professional since I took creative writing in college.

In college my professor encouraged me to seek out publishing opportunities but I never did. I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. Now I’m ready to try, eager to in fact, so this cancellation is very disappointing. I’m not going to give up though. In fact, I think I’ll start posting some stuff here, on the off chance that people are actually looking at this blog. Who knows, maybe I’ll get some feedback.

Financial Freedom

2006-01-31T11:34:00.000-05:00

I’ve added a link to another BLOG. It’s about a man’s quest to have his net worth reach $2 million plus the value of his primary residence. He’s up to about $200K now which is impressive enough for a 29 year old. It led me to think about the efforts that my wife and I are undertaking to achieve some measure of financial security.

Living within our means has been a real struggle for us despite the good income I earn in my job. Part of the reason for this is living in New York State. I was born and raised in Massachusetts so I’ve learned to live with taxes to some extent. New York, however, has exceeded expectations. In short, it’s very expensive to live here. I’ve owned a house for almost 2 years now and in that time my taxes have nearly doubled. Taxes now make up roughly 40% of the monthly payment I make for my mortgage. Now with a daughter about to start preschool and twin boys who will become more expensive as they keep growing, the expenses will start to mount.

As I state above, I earn a good income. However, I haven’t received a raise in 2 years, despite consistent good reviews. This is disheartening because my wife and I are so careful with money. We bought used cars so we don’t have car payments. We use cloth diapers so we don’t have to spend a fortune on disposables, and so forth and so on. Despite these efforts we’re slowly being squeezed out. We cant save as much as we used to, we can’t afford to go anywhere to visit family.

I went to grad school, and my wife supported me, so that we could enjoy some measure of financial security. I lived up to my end of the bargain working hard, getting a job at a “good” company and then working hard to get ahead at that company. However, that isn’t enough. So what now?

Step one seems to be, get the hell out of New York State. I wonder why anyone lives here to be honest. It’s nice to be near New York City certainly but what’s the point if you can’t afford to enjoy it. So where can I take my family, make a similar salary and cut our cost of living. I’ve just started looking but it seems like the answer is, anywhere. It looks like my wife and I are about to embark on another adventure.

Writer's Block

2006-01-19T10:58:00.000-05:00

Writing can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. I get into these modes where I’m capable of writing anything because as soon as I type the words I doubt them. Is this the best way to say this? Is this even interesting? Who would want to read this? It’s utterly self defeating. That is what writer’s block is to me. It’s not a lack of ideas but a lack of faith in those ideas and my own ability to express them.

I'm hopelessly addicted and it's to Civ 4

2006-01-17T19:28:00.000-05:00

By day, I do my job to the best of my ability, help my wife with the children and do tasks about the house. By night I play Civ 4. Despite having twin infants who steal enough of my sleep and a demanding job, I find myself going to bed at 1 AM or later night after night because of Civ. It’s as if I need someone to just walk in and turn off the computer because I lack the will power to do so myself.

I’ve enjoyed the CIV series since my college roommate introduced me to Civ 1 in my junior year. He gave me his copy because my girlfriend had a computer and we didn’t. Suddenly I found myself visiting her not only to complete term papers and have sex but also to play Civ. She got hooked too. We’d play games together and be all cute, naming our people the sex fiends amongst other things.

In my senior year, I got Civ 2 and loaded it on the laptop I shared with my older brother. He was in law school at the time and we both ended up playing Civ 2 in class from time to time. Somehow we both managed to graduate from our respective schools.

More recently, I’ve owned and played Call to Power 2 and Civ 3 but sadly neither of these really had the same impact as Civ1 and 2. Both featured an increadible amount of late game tedium. I never finished a game of CtP 2 and ended up selling my copy. Civ 3 was an improvement but still the late game was very tough. It was like a job finishing a game. Naturally I gravitated towards other kinds of games during this time.

Civ 4 returns the franchise to its super addictive routes. It’s not just me either. My wife, the same girl who played Civ 1 as Danny of the Sex Fiends, is sucked in too. Why? Because, as in Civ 1 and Civ 2 there is the feeling that something important is about to happen or happening and that if I quit now I’ll somehow miss something. I’m always a couple of turns away from x, and when I get to x I find that I’m only a couple of turns away from y. This goes on and on until it’s one in the morning and one of my sons is crying in his crib for a late night snack and I’m looking at the clock wondering what the hell happened. In other words, great game.

I'm Struggling

2005-12-05T00:44:00.000-05:00

My twin boys are now almost 4 months old and at their peek crying. I wish they realized that at this point in their life they can actually eat, shit and sleep at the same time. Not only that but someone else wipes their ass! Seriously, it's all downhill from here for them. Before long they're going to have to earn their keep by doing stuff like sitting up and crawling. Arg, infancy really is wasted on infants.

My Thoughts on the World

2005-09-26T21:41:00.000-04:00

It's really bothering me that I feel uninformed despite the amount of time I spend on the internet. That said, and for no particular reason, I'd like to register my thuoghts on the following:

Hurricanes - To paraphrase Jon Stewart, God, what part of "God Bless America" aren't you getting? I've always been fascinated by the raw power of nature and I'll admit to a guilty sort of disappointment when Rita started to decrease in strength prior to making landfall. However, I am all set with the 2005 Hurricane season. The poor people of Louisianne need a break and the rest of us in the US needs a break.

Some part of me wants to tie this in to a larger disatisfaction with the way this country is being run, as if these storms wouldn't be so bad if McCain or Kerry was president, but that would be bullshit. The fact is you cant prepare for storms that huge and nasty hitting the same state in the same year. The shit is going to hit the fan in those instances. Add to that the stupidity of not doing more to protect New Orleans and this was bound to happen. That stupidity, BTW, was shared by Democrats and Republicans alike.

I've got some beefs with the cleanup and rescue efforts but when all is said and done, the lion share of damage to people and property was the result of things that would have haven't regardless of how efficient FEMA was. The looting made for great TV and some individual horror stories but the real damage was done by the hurricane and the broken dykes.

What good can come out of this? People will take Hurricanes a lot more seriously. The massive evacuation proved that. The evacution itself, which wasn't a catastrophe only because Rita weakened and spared the Houston area, could teach some valuable lessons. It takes more than the mayor saying, "Allright everyone, get the hell out of here." to make a successful evacuation.

What if Rita had made a direct hit? What if Rita had been a weak storm which strenthened suddenly before plowing into Houston? Either of those cases would have resulted in a disaster. The problem in these cases is convincing one group of people, those in low lying areas, to flee while convincing another group of people, those in more secure structures inland and at higher elevation to stay put. It always seems like the opposite happens.

A Bad Day

2005-09-26T21:27:00.000-04:00

I hind myself a little disheartened and overwhelmed by things today. It's not easy having month old twins. It's also not easy being sick. It's also not easy having a full social calendar. It's also not easy having to work a 12 hour day. Combine all of that in a three day stretch and I've served myself a recipe for disaster.

This has certainly been one of the more unpleasant days I've had to deal with in a long time. My commitments to running and writing while still strong have been sorely tested. I was unable to pick up a pencil or lace up the running shoes this weekend while I was in CT for Megan's wedding. The fact that my allergies were going full tilt didn't help matters but that should have encouraged me to get my butt out of the house. What really held me back is that Danny was the maid of honor and I could leave my three kids with our friends who were putting us up for the weekend. I just couldn't ask them to deal with that when it was taking all hands on deck to keep the twins relatively settled with me there. I did have a wonderful time at the wedding but that wonderful time likely contributed a lot to me being sick as a dog right now.

Work is another story altogether. Long story short I'm fed up with it. I feel very strongly that every single hour I spent at work today was wasted. I didn't even accomplish anything that would help the company. This isn't because I'm lazy or I don't care. It's because the role I'm in contributes nothing to productivity or profitability. If I was a consultant looking for areas to cut, my role would be one of the first places I'd look. I make lots of charts and I'm sick of it.

I started this blog as an outlet for my more creative, heartfelt and occasionally off-the-wall thoughts. It's morphed into an outlet for my frustrations. It's hard to be creative when you're getting your ass kicked. Unfortunately that's the time when creativity is most required. So that's my rant for the day.

2005-09-19T18:25:00.000-04:00

"Do you want to go for a walk?"
"No"
"Do you want to go running or exercise?"
"No"
"Do you want to play in the yard with Madeline?"
"No"
"Do you want to take care of Liam and/or Greg?"
"No"
"Do you want to write?"
"No"
"Do you want to do something constructive around the house?"
"No"
"What do you want to do then?!?"

"Nothing"

If this conversation was between my kids and I, and I was the one asking the questions. I'd be pissed beyond words. Unfortunately, this is the conversation that's been going on between me and myself and I'm disappointed. Sure I have excuses. The job is hard (it's only really hard one day in five), I'm doing a lot of exercising and I can only do so much (not lately) and last but not least the twins are so young and take a lot of my energy (the truth actually). So it's been a month and a half since I've written anything here. Not coincidentally, the twins are a month old. I could easily hide behind this excuse as the reason for my poor progress on my personal writing course. I could easily hide behind this as the reason why I've fallen behind on running. I could easily be mediocre for the rest of my life.

The fact is that I have had a lot on my plate and I will always have a lot on my plate because I've chosen to become a parent. I cant use that as a reason to avoid challenging myself though. So I'm throwing down the gauntlet. I'll redo my personal written class syllabus, call it a one-time twins adjustment. I'm going to select a race to train for. Then, I'm going to follow through on my commitments to myself. Because If I cant get it done now, then when? There will always be something family related taking up my time, there will always be something work related taking up my time. If I don't make time for my own personal goals then they aren't going to happen.

So what does this mean for me? It means a lot less choosing to do nothing. That means the time surfing the web at work has got to stop. It's absolutely killing me. I've never yet worked a job where I couldn't condense the required work enough to have ample free time on all but the most busy days. I've accomplished that with my current job as well. Now that I'm getting sleep at night again (thanks Liam and Greg, keep up the good work), I need to restart using that free time productively, for writing. The company will never hesitate to take useful family time away from me, I need to return the favor. It also means less video games at night. I've been pretty good in this regard but has more to do with necessity than virtue. Newborn twins really are high maintenance after all.

I don't want to sound too bad on myself about all this. I feel like I've been stuck someplace where there's only junkfood to eat and now I need to go on a diet, only a diet of the mind.

2005-07-27T20:43:00.000-04:00

Back After a Long absence

It's been awhile since I've posted anything and here is the reason (not that anyone is reading). I'm decided to put myself on a strict writing program at work and I wont access this blog from my work computer because I'd like to be able to badmouth work on this page without risking being fired.

My writing program is as follows: Any time that I would spend at work being bored tooling around on the internet will now be devoted to writing. I need to do at least 3 free writes a week (30 minutes consecutive writing, any topic), and I have regular assignments to complete. I even put together a syllabus. The end result, if I follow it all the way through, is that I'll have two more short stories, a host of short pieces written and some ideas for a full length novel. My long term aim is the modest goal of getting something published. So far it's gone well. I've averaged about 45 minutes of writing a day and I've managed 30 minutes of uninterrupted writing nearly every day for the past two weeks.

My only concern is staying focused on the short term stuff. I really need to rebuild my writing skills but naturally I want to jump into writing something long and complicated. Today was a good example. I wasted about an hour on an story idea that would be long, complicated, research intensive, and pretty much guaranteed to piss of any evangelical Christian friends I have. Hmmm, maybe I should shore up my grammar first, then assault people's belief systems. On the plus side I think the idea might be pretty good.

So why has that stopped me from posting here? For one thing, my wife is the only person reading this page and I don't like her to see any of my creative writing until it's a rough draft. For another, I've been as busy as hell and trying to keep up with my running. Lastly, I cant right all the time. I need to talk to people and be social, informed, and whatnot. Otherwise, what the hell am I going to write about?

A final note on why so much fervor for creative writing all of a sudden. The truth is the fervor has been there for the past ten years but I've been putting it off. For the same reason that people put off taking that trip they've always wanted to take or talking to that person they've always wanted to talk to. I was lazy and scared. Life throws so much shit at you that there's always an excuse. It's much easier to say I could have been a great writer than it is to say I've tried and I just don't have. I'm finally tired of talking about what could have been. I'm going to try now. Wish me luck.

Cheers

2005-07-13T22:19:00.000-04:00

So I've taken the gloves off and thrown myself a Challenge. I cant decide if I'm being too hard or too easy on myself. I've put together a 20 week course for myself. My goal is to rediscover creative writing once and for all or learn once and for all that it wasn't meant to be.

8 years ago I took a course in creative writing. It was a throw away course for some extra credits on the way out the door with my undergrad degree. It was also the most enjoyable class I took at BU. Ever since, I've promised myself that I would continue the creative writing and much to my own disappointment, I haven't been keeping that promise. The occassional freewrite notwithstanding, I've buried my creativity while working at a bank, getting my MBA, starting a family, working for a big company, etc. etc.

The whole life reevaluation process that I've been going through right now has convinced me not to put this off any longer. As hookey as it sounds I've actually put together a complete syllabus with assignments, due dates and major projects. After 20 weeks I want to rediscover that drive to write if it really was there in the first place. I also want to have something I can publish and something I can work on to further my goals in creative writing. So my major assignments are 2 short stories and I want to have several novel ideas, complete with some kind of synopsis, to follow up with after the completion of my "course". Why do all this? because I'm a hopeless procrastinator. I really only put forth my best effort when there's a literal or figurative gun to my head. I am what I am I guess.

2005-06-21T22:33:00.000-04:00

There's nothing like a nasty headache and a stuffy office to make me hate working. That was my story today, not a sob story by any stretch but disheartening all the same. It's one thing slogging through a day when I'm feeling OK. I work hard and do my best to keep a positive outlook even though I'm not exactly enamored with my job. It's quite another when I'm feeling like crap and just want to get the hell out of there. Then all the little things that I can brush off start to annoy the hell out of me. The loud office neighbor, the office instant messenger, the meaningless todo's, these are not things I can handle with a giant headache. I'm beginning to sound like a commercial for Advil of Tylenol, I guess I could have used some today.

2005-06-19T19:16:00.000-04:00

Happy Father's Day to ... um ... me, I guess. Hard to believe I'm a dad, still harder to believe I'm about to become the father of three. Of course I'm excited, two little boys that I can try to pass along all I've learned to (have I learned anything?) is such a gift. At the same time I'm terrified. It's easy to imagine teaching 2 little boys to play catch, it's a great deal less comforting to imagine waking up in the middle of the night to two screaming babies and two dirty diapers. There were times, when Madeline was an infant, where I wasn't sure I could handle anymore now I'm going to have to endure that times two?

That's the key I guess, to endure, it won't be easy but fortunately nobody really judges infant care on artistic impression. It's all about technical merit. If I can help to make sure their basic needs are met and that they begin to grow up with a sense that I love them and that I've got their best interests at heart, then I'm doing all right. Well, that and make sure Madeline doesn't feel completely left out in the cold and that Danny and I stay as close as we've always been, oh and I don't lose my job/forget to pay the mortgage/etc. If I put it that way it sounds so easy, not. Just endure, and when enduring becomes easy then do better, thrive.

2005-06-15T23:24:00.000-04:00

Something else I should add since I'm unburdened my soul to the internet. I left the Boston area four years ago. I'm the time that I've been gone, the Sox finally won the World Series and the Patriots have won 3 out of 4 Super bowls. Naturally, I'm extremely happy as a fan but as a superstitious fan I cant help but wonder, am I a walking jinx? Consider that no New York team has won anything since I've arrived in this state. So I ask you, should I take one for the team and forever banish myself from Massachusetts? I've actually submitted this question to the sports guy in the hopes of getting an official ruling on the topic. I don't think I would let it change any life decisions I might make. However, if I ever do move back to Boston, and the Pats revert to sucking and the Sox revert to their heartbreaking form of old, I will feel like an ass.

2005-06-15T22:27:00.000-04:00

So this is my response to turning 30. As you can see by the name of this blog, I'm extremely optimistic about my life expectancy. Unfortunately, I'm less so about my prospects. I've come to a bit of a crossroads in my career and my place of residence. I've been working for a huge IT company in New York State for 2 years (gee guess which one). It hasn't sucked too much but it has the feel of one giant rut. Not much of anything in the way of raises and the prospect of the long messy slog to the top. That's if things go well. I imagine that if I stay there long enough my soul will abandon my body and I'll come to appreciate what a priviledge it is to work for this company.

So what do I do with that snazzy MBA I got for myself then? Suck it up and fight my way up the Giant IT Company corporate ladder? Search for greener pastures at another company? or say "screw the MBA" and do something completely different? I guess I'm open to suggestions, otherwise it would be silly to put this on the web.

My other issue is living in New York State. I grew up in Massachusetts, so I'm used to taxes, but New York has made clear to me what real taxation is. I pay more in land and school taxes than my parents do in Eastern Massachusetts. Mind you, they live in a significantly larger house in a good school district. There are other little things which also annoy me, like Yankees fans and the fact that the plumber I use has to be specifically licensed by the town I live in rather than the state, making home improvement projects more expensive.

So with all this whining, I should close with something positive. I'm happily married, i've got a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in a month and twin boys who will be born sometime in August. So if I'm cranky it's because I want to do right for them and not work crappy long hours for meager raises which don't keep up with the cost of living in this damn state.